The arts is never going to be a fair game
Most days I struggle to find motivation to continue doing Bharatanatyam. Most days I feel like this is over for me, my time will never come and I will never get anywhere with this and why should I bother anymore. It’s much easier for me to just work the tech job I had before, paid well, exhausting but easy, no physical exertion, mental willpower, discipline, or consistency needed and was a fat paycheck, why did I choose this hard road to a cultural dance I was not born into, to love a culture that is not mine and to want to rise above and do it no matter the hardship and difficulties? WHY?! On top of that, it’s hard to find professional dancers where I am who share the same style, lineage and hold the same standards in this art form, there are a few, but far and few in between. There is a niche dance out of it’s home country in a far away foreign land that is predominantly white and Christian and most Americans don’t understand it, not saying they don’t appreciate it but to them after 5 minutes of watching, it becomes the same and boring as they don’t understand the hands and deeper meaning in it. In America, this indian classical dance still lacks a strong and broader audience base. After all, this is the west.
I end up in disappointment most days when I go down to my cold basement to start my 2.5 hours dance practice alone, heaters running, cold feet, and often times real abhinaya does not even come as I don’t feel inspired. I feel like I learned an art to perform only in my basement and to myself, it feels demotivating and why should I keep on doing. I feel like I hit rock bottom with this art form. Dancing in the cold winter days with gloomy weather and day gets dark at practically 4:15pm.
Most people in life lack consistency or discipline or both, and most people are not serious about learning this art form, it’s merely a side hobby or a nostalgic thing for them to keep them connected to their culture. I wish situations were different for me that I was born into an artistic family or had exposure to this art form earlier in my life, or if I could choose, I would not have chosen where I was born or the parents of mine but life does not go back, neither does it have a reset button, it is a one way street, it starts and only goes forward.
Maybe whoever is reading this can relate to how I feel, as someone who strives to perfection and who is dedicated and devoted to her art, this has been a major let down. Rough start and many many obstacles in the way.